May 16 - 10:37pm.
Tomorrow is Case’s second birthday – I can’t wait. We have a huge surprise for him. We’re out camping by the Loup river; everything here is so serene and peaceful. I could live out here. I’m happier here than I’ve been in a long time; free from stresses of everyday life. I don't want to leave. However, each day that passes, I’m haunted of a reminder of Tyler’s upcoming surgery. Every day it crosses into my mind, building up more and more as we get closer. I don’t know how many times I’ve been told how strong of a woman I am. Some days, I do believe that. I’m a wife, mother, teacher, and grad student. I have a very full plate. However, I have a confession to make – I am not strong – I am numb. I’ve been so hardened in the past 5 years, making it hard to feel true emotions. It honestly scares me that I’m now incapable of crying, and how easy it is for me to suppress emotion. I want to cry; to have that release of emotion I’ve been carrying for so long. I haven’t cried in months, and when I do, I can’t stop. The last time I cried was right before school started in the morning a couple months ago. I was already stressed out with teaching, a messy house at home, and two young boys that need their exhausted mama’s attention. I had checked my UNK Canvas site to see if my teacher had graded my most recent paper, and I found out I had absolutely bombed it. I knew it wasn’t my best work, but I was feeling overwhelmed and rushed to get it done. I had maintained a perfect 4.0 GPA two-thirds of the way through my graduate degree. I was so disappointed in myself that I hadn’t given my very best, and that 4.0 was in jeopardy because I wasn’t giving it my all. All of my stressors came rushing to me, and I was unable to stop uncontrollably crying. I’m so thankful for my two neighboring teacher co-workers. I honestly couldn’t get through my days without them. Their encouragement and inspiration mean so much to me. Finally, with puffy eyes, I welcomed my 23 students into my classroom at 8am and carried on with my day as if nothing happened. Since then, not a tear has been shed. In a weird, twisted way, Covid has been a hidden blessing. It has allowed me to stay at home with my boys and have more time for my graduate coursework while teaching from home. Although being at home brought on new challenges, staying at home slowed life down for me; something I desperately needed. I’m happy to say that I was able to redo that paper, and I knocked it out of the park the second time. My 4.0 GPA remains on track with two semesters to go. With Tyler’s surgery this Wednesday, I’m again putting all of my faith in the Lord, and relying on our family and friends’ prayers to carry us through; as that’s all I can do. It’s hard. It’s killing me that I won’t be able to be by his side afterwards, and I have to rely on telephone calls from the doctors the first few days, as he most likely won’t be feeling well enough to talk. Every day we get closer, I can feel my emotions building, wishing I could release them. I know the release is coming. It’s bound to; I just never know when it’s going to hit.
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Kathryn HollandWife. Mother. Teacher. Lifelong student. Archives
March 2022
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